Bookmakers have already installed Wayne Rooney as favourite to be England’s next captain in the wake of Steven Gerrard’s international retirement. As if they had much choice.
Monday, 21 July 2014
Grandpa Surprises Everyone With Age-Defying Dance Moves, Proves You're Only As Old As You Feel
When this elderly man's song comes on, nothing can hold him back.
Not only does he cut a rug so fiercely that he has to throw off his canes, but see around the 1:50 mark how this stud muffin dances with not one, but two ladies. It just goes to show that age is a state of mind, and you're never too old to bust some serious moves.
Get it, grandpa!
h/t PetFlow
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Not only does he cut a rug so fiercely that he has to throw off his canes, but see around the 1:50 mark how this stud muffin dances with not one, but two ladies. It just goes to show that age is a state of mind, and you're never too old to bust some serious moves.
Get it, grandpa!
h/t PetFlow
Ruby Rose Explores Gender In Powerful New Video 'Break Free'
Model and DJ Ruby Rose has released an incredible short film that explores the fluidity of the way humans embody concepts of gender.
Called "Break Free," the video, released last week, is a powerful look at the ways that gender is performed and lived -- at least through a binary understanding of male/female.
Rose has since used the video's visibility to discuss other issues affecting the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community. On Friday she posted the following statement on her Facebook:
Check out the video for "Break Free" above.
Called "Break Free," the video, released last week, is a powerful look at the ways that gender is performed and lived -- at least through a binary understanding of male/female.
Rose has since used the video's visibility to discuss other issues affecting the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community. On Friday she posted the following statement on her Facebook:
You know what needs to stop just as much as homophobia, bullying within the LGBT Community... A 'bisexual' isn't just greedy.. 'Pansexual' exists and isn't a cop out.. 'Straight' people can be gay huge advocates and blessings to the community... you can identify as trans without surgery, you can be gender fluid... in fact guess what... you can be whoever you are and like whoever you like and WE should spread the love and acceptance we constantly say we don't receive.
Check out the video for "Break Free" above.
The Bride's Guide to Powerful Persuasion and Getting Everything You Want
The journey that takes you through your wedding and into your new marriage is going to involve a complex series of negotiations. Everything, from what your soon-to-be-mother-in-law wears to the wedding to when (or if) you have children, will be negotiated and decided. The more persuasive you are, the more likely your negotiations will get you what you want.
Persuasion is not easy to define. Wikipedia says "persuasion is a form of social influence; the process of using rational (not necessarily logical) and symbolic means to guide or bring someone towards adopting an idea, attitude, or action."
As a professional mediator I've learned that persuasion is not about dragging someone along. And, it's not about manipulating or tricking them either. Instead, persuasion is about getting people to see a bigger picture and buy into your ideas. You can use the power of persuasion to get what you want if you master these five tactics.
Tactic #1. Figure out what you really want. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself "What do I want?" (I suggest you pull out a notebook and write down your answer.) Once you are clear about what you really want, put your desires temporarily aside. Now ask yourself these four questions:
Tactic #2. Know your budget. Before you begin any significant undertaking (a wedding, a home purchase, etc.) you should know the overall budget. While individual line items may change as you negotiate priorities and trade-offs, you should always be clear -up-front -- on the limitations each person has placed on their contribution to the final costs. Yes, it is true that without this restriction you might get more out of them. But, you then risk creating resentments and hard feelings that can last a life-time. Heed this warning! In the joy of the moment, it's easy to look the other way. Don't do it!! Kathryn Huffer, a wedding planner, with Beach Promises, in Naples, Florida says "budgeting is the most important thing you can do to ensure a stress-free wedding." And, ultimately, having the money talk now will pave the way for being able to hold the difficult discussions every family eventually gets to.
Tactic #3. Figure out what's in it for the person on the other side. Whether the other side is your parents, the florist, or the girl-friend planning your bachelorette party, the more you know about how this other person can benefit, the easier it will be for you to convince him or her to do what you want. (BTW, don't expect the person on the other side to know what's in it for you. They cannot read your mind! You have to tell them exactly what you want from them, or you will not get it.)
Tactic #4. Create a safe space. Will you be asking for what you want in Grandma's kitchen or in a lion's den? Our perceptions of our environments trump reality. Your job is to make every place feel like Grandma's kitchen. Otherwise, any hint of a possible threat may trigger a guarded or defensive response. Powerful persuasion won't happen if the person on the other side is guarded. To get that guard lowered you need to create a sense of physical and emotional safety. When human beings (and other animals) feel safe they relax, play, mate, eat, and sleep. You are much more likely to get what you want when the other person is in a relaxed stance instead of the warrior pose. Here are six things you can do to get someone to lower his or her guard and feel safe.
Tactic #5. Think it over. Do NOT react emotionally. You are no longer that girl in the toy store. Think things through, sleep on it, and wait for the inevitable unfolding. Do not allow suppliers or vendors to push you into a decision based on their reports of scarcity. You will almost always get a better price if you don't sign-up during the sales presentation. Instead, call later and ask for a discount before you commit.
One last thing. Before you start persuading, remember that trying to persuade someone to change who they are is useless. Personal change doesn't come as the result of an external force. So, if something is not working for you, save your breath and figure out how you can change yourself, your outlook, your attitude, or your situation. This might be the best way to get what you want.
from Weddings - The Huffington Post http://ift.tt/1tqXPTy
via IFTTT
Persuasion is not easy to define. Wikipedia says "persuasion is a form of social influence; the process of using rational (not necessarily logical) and symbolic means to guide or bring someone towards adopting an idea, attitude, or action."
As a professional mediator I've learned that persuasion is not about dragging someone along. And, it's not about manipulating or tricking them either. Instead, persuasion is about getting people to see a bigger picture and buy into your ideas. You can use the power of persuasion to get what you want if you master these five tactics.
Tactic #1. Figure out what you really want. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself "What do I want?" (I suggest you pull out a notebook and write down your answer.) Once you are clear about what you really want, put your desires temporarily aside. Now ask yourself these four questions:
- What are five possible ways to get me what I want?
- Which way will encounter the least resistance?
- Whose help do I need to enlist to get what I want?
- What can I offer in exchange for that help?
Tactic #2. Know your budget. Before you begin any significant undertaking (a wedding, a home purchase, etc.) you should know the overall budget. While individual line items may change as you negotiate priorities and trade-offs, you should always be clear -up-front -- on the limitations each person has placed on their contribution to the final costs. Yes, it is true that without this restriction you might get more out of them. But, you then risk creating resentments and hard feelings that can last a life-time. Heed this warning! In the joy of the moment, it's easy to look the other way. Don't do it!! Kathryn Huffer, a wedding planner, with Beach Promises, in Naples, Florida says "budgeting is the most important thing you can do to ensure a stress-free wedding." And, ultimately, having the money talk now will pave the way for being able to hold the difficult discussions every family eventually gets to.
Tactic #3. Figure out what's in it for the person on the other side. Whether the other side is your parents, the florist, or the girl-friend planning your bachelorette party, the more you know about how this other person can benefit, the easier it will be for you to convince him or her to do what you want. (BTW, don't expect the person on the other side to know what's in it for you. They cannot read your mind! You have to tell them exactly what you want from them, or you will not get it.)
Tactic #4. Create a safe space. Will you be asking for what you want in Grandma's kitchen or in a lion's den? Our perceptions of our environments trump reality. Your job is to make every place feel like Grandma's kitchen. Otherwise, any hint of a possible threat may trigger a guarded or defensive response. Powerful persuasion won't happen if the person on the other side is guarded. To get that guard lowered you need to create a sense of physical and emotional safety. When human beings (and other animals) feel safe they relax, play, mate, eat, and sleep. You are much more likely to get what you want when the other person is in a relaxed stance instead of the warrior pose. Here are six things you can do to get someone to lower his or her guard and feel safe.
- Point out commonalities you share. Are your motivations, values, or concerns the same? Point them out. Play up the "home team" connections that you share.
- Disclose something about yourself that shows your weakness. But, choose carefully as this information could be used against you or your argument.
- Watch your body language. The person on the other side will be reading what you say and what you don't say, both verbally and with your body language. Avoid sending messages that threaten an attack. And, avoid mixed messages. If your words say one thing while your non-verbal message says something else, it is the non-verbal message that will be believed.
- Give-up or Give-in. But, don't give up the ship. Instead, find something minor to sacrifice. This will encourage the person on the other side to reciprocate.
- Go to Grandma's kitchen. Set up the environment so that it smells good and feels friendly. (Hint: this may require the involvement of comfort food.)
- Make "I want to find solutions that work for you and for me" your mantra. It's difficult to argue with you when you are saying "I want to find solutions that work for you and for me."
Tactic #5. Think it over. Do NOT react emotionally. You are no longer that girl in the toy store. Think things through, sleep on it, and wait for the inevitable unfolding. Do not allow suppliers or vendors to push you into a decision based on their reports of scarcity. You will almost always get a better price if you don't sign-up during the sales presentation. Instead, call later and ask for a discount before you commit.
One last thing. Before you start persuading, remember that trying to persuade someone to change who they are is useless. Personal change doesn't come as the result of an external force. So, if something is not working for you, save your breath and figure out how you can change yourself, your outlook, your attitude, or your situation. This might be the best way to get what you want.
from Weddings - The Huffington Post http://ift.tt/1tqXPTy
via IFTTT
10 Ways You May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship
By Dave Elliot for YourTango.com
I've assembled a list of non gender-specific ways that couples sabotage their relationships. Hopefully, this list will help create some "a-ha" moments, great conversations and behavioral changes.
Here are ten warning signs that couples should be aware of before it's too late:
1) You focus more on what's wrong rather than what's right.
The fundamental truth in life is that humans tend to find what they look for in their world. Some people are convinced we're on the path to immediate ruin while others believe we're living in the most exciting time to be alive in history. Both opinions can point to outstanding arguments to support their premise. But how can they both be right when they live in the same world?
It's because humans have an ability to live in a world of their own making, simply by choosing where we focus. This is also how you can keep your love alive and vibrant at the same time. You can focus on what a lazy, forgetful, good-for-nothing partner you have or you can see them as a wonderful and loving partner who occasionally overlooks a request when he or she is distracted. Which one would you choose to spend a lifetime with, since the choice is all yours? As you believe, so you will perceive.
2) You'd rather be right than in love .
As long as we're talking about how to respond proactively when things go wrong, let's just acknowledge that there will inevitably be times when your partner falls short, makes a mistake or frankly, just blows it. Even though it may seem justified or feel better in the moment, choosing a righteous response will only damage trust and create lingering resentment. Plus, it will teach them to stonewall, deny and argue rather than simply apologize and admit a mistake in the future.
It's critical to condition the behavior you want to see by using rewards and not punishment if you want a relationship that lasts. Take the high road and give your partner the benefit of the doubt, especially if they don't expect or feel they deserve it. It really builds up appreciation, good will and a desire to do even better to please you next time.
Bottom line: whenever possible, give people a graceful way to save face when they screw up. Have the humility to apologize quickly if you're the one who screws up. Both habits will go a very long way to creating and sustaining the love you deserve. [Please note: I am not suggesting you be a doormat and allow outrageous behavior to go unchallenged. I'm simply saying don't sweat the small stuff and choose to stand your ground on the bigger stuff that may be a deal breaker.]
3) You take things personally and make it about you.
Human beings will usually try to meet their perceived needs, even if it occasionally means violating their values in some way. The truth is, it often has very little to do with anyone else because someone else's needs simply aren't as critical as your own needs. That makes sense, doesn't it? That's why it's a huge waste of time and energy to demonize a partner's actions and make them about you.
Choose to empathize with their needs instead. What better way to demonstrate maturity and your own value than by acknowledging that your partner has needs that also deserve to be met? Do your best to be the one who can help them meet their needs better than anyone else. When you take things personally and get your feelings hurt too easily, it closes off communication, makes problem-solving nearly impossible and leaves you both at risk. Instead, be open to hearing what your partner wants and needs. Look for the common ground instead of the insult.
4) You don't create a safe space for your partner to speak openly and just be.
I know many of these items seem to overlap and that's because they do cross over into one another. The truth is, bad habits and poor strategies that don't work are a slippery slope to ruin. People have a need to be seen, heard, acknowledged and appreciated just as they are. They don't want to be judged, manipulated or treated as if they're wrong and broken. This is a foundational need that is so important, it's almost like emotional oxygen.
I'll tell you a secret: Sometimes, people may think they need or want things that might be real deal breakers for other people. But what they really needed all along was just the acceptance that came with simply hearing them out and not making them wrong. They key to remember is that as soon as you judge someone else, you lose all ability to influence them. If you can accept people where they are and give them more unconditional love than they've ever felt in their lives, that is the secret to an undying love. Think about it. Why would someone risk losing the greatest partner they've ever had? Someone who also happens to always see the absolute best in them, even when they, themselves, temporarily lose sight of it. That is a powerful attribute and really, really tough to ever leave.
5) You put other people or things ahead of your relationship .
What you fail to celebrate will eventually deteriorate. A relationship, like all living things, needs nurturing, care and ongoing nourishment if you want it to not only survive, but thrive. Too often, we get hypnotized by random unfinished business, never-ending demands and the shiny objects of a 24/7 media world.
The key here is instituting rituals. If you value what you have, institute a regular date night ritual or a bedtime ritual — like a nightly gratitude check-in or just couples time. This is not a time to vent or complain. It's a time to connect, wind down and fill one another up for the next day. If that seems too overwhelming to do on a daily basis, just try it once for a week or a month. The idea is to build a habit and muscle. You don't get in great shape by going to a gym once. It's the culmination of many trips that gives you the results you want. Again, let the ritual do the work and you'll thank me for it later.
6) You don't know or fulfill one another's love strategy .
You need to learn how to understand, communicate and request that your own needs be met in a way that makes your partner very likely to comply with them. Basically, I call it The H.U.G. & K.I.S.S. Hierarchy™. It's like getting the precise combination to your partner's love vault and being able to crack it open any time you wish.
Let me put it this way: if you knew exactly how to delight your partner over and over again and make them feel more loved, understood and appreciated than they've ever felt in their whole life, would you do it? Of course you would! I can't tell you how many times I hear couples in crisis angrily claim, "I've done everything!" But the truth is if they did the right thing, they wouldn't be in crisis, would they?
7) You expect your partner to think and act exactly like you.
Do you know the root cause of nearly every argument between a couple in a relationship? It's about some sort of discrepancy between their individual values, beliefs, habits or expectations. That's it. In order to be successful long-term, it's important to be on similar pages regarding some of life's most important topics. It's also worth remembering that a relationship is between two individuals.
It's important that you give your partner room to have their own opinions and views without trying to change them or manipulate them to your way of thinking. Effective partnership is really about voluntarily becoming a team because you recognize that together, you are better than the sum of your parts. When it comes to reconciling your differences, you really only have three good choices: you can either celebrate them, mitigate them or obliterate them. Which one would you prefer?
8) You lost polarity and the attraction has totally fizzled out .
I could give you a whole science lesson on magnetic attraction or polarity but let me just bottom-line it for you. Two energies which are polar opposites create attraction and stick together effortlessly. Two energies that are the same repel one another.
When partners are living in their core energy, they attract naturally but under pressure, they lose their way and take on opposite attributes. In other words, both partners find one another equally repulsive. The solution is two people finding the strength and resolve to recapture what they once had, protect it and nurture it. Build it back to where it's stronger than ever and to withstand whatever comes its way. It sounds easy to say, but sometimes it requires some expert assistance to help bring you back from the edge. This is what I do and if I can help, please feel free to reach out. True love is far too precious to just throw it away without first giving it everything you've got.
9) You're inauthentic or lose respect for one another .
As long as we're talking about opposites here, there are essentially two states when it comes to living in true, complete and radical authenticity. You are either living fully expressed, completely repressed or somewhere in between. People who are fully expressed and are well along on the path to self-actualization tend to be some of the happiest and most fulfilled people you'll ever meet. By the same token, repressed individuals tend to live with varying degrees of shame, unhappiness or even self-loathing. In fact, repressed individuals often strike back at society through violence or criminal activity when the frustration gets too high.
The beautiful thing about relationships at their best is that it's within the bonds of true intimacy where individuals are free to be completely self-expressed, accepted and even protected. One of the great ironies in the human experience is that there may be no greater force to bring two people together than true radical authenticity. People who are free and make no apologies for themselves are seen as powerful and compelling. Even when two parties are totally at odds with one another, nothing has the power to reunite them more beautifully than raw vulnerability, when expressed without attack. I've seen it too many times and watched people come back from the edge, even when all was feared lost. Your greatest power is also that which you fear the most — embracing your true vulnerability.
10) You over-value certainty or fail to embrace change.
There is only one constant in life. Change is inevitable. The old joke is that women marry men thinking they'll change him. Men marry women thinking they'll never change. Somehow, they both end up being wrong. The truth of the matter is that over the course of a lifetime, you will learn things, make new distinctions and further clarify your values and beliefs.
You can either grow apart slowly over time or you can honor one another's journey. Find the common ground and do your best to expand it whenever possible. No one says you and your partner have to be of one mind on every possible issue. But you can be of one heart if you simply love them for who they are and who they are on the way to becoming. Everyone is bound to change over time, but no one wants to be changed or feel pressured to conform. If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to your partner.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.com
More from YourTango:
Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook and Twitter. Sign up for our newsletter here.
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I've assembled a list of non gender-specific ways that couples sabotage their relationships. Hopefully, this list will help create some "a-ha" moments, great conversations and behavioral changes.
Here are ten warning signs that couples should be aware of before it's too late:
1) You focus more on what's wrong rather than what's right.
The fundamental truth in life is that humans tend to find what they look for in their world. Some people are convinced we're on the path to immediate ruin while others believe we're living in the most exciting time to be alive in history. Both opinions can point to outstanding arguments to support their premise. But how can they both be right when they live in the same world?
It's because humans have an ability to live in a world of their own making, simply by choosing where we focus. This is also how you can keep your love alive and vibrant at the same time. You can focus on what a lazy, forgetful, good-for-nothing partner you have or you can see them as a wonderful and loving partner who occasionally overlooks a request when he or she is distracted. Which one would you choose to spend a lifetime with, since the choice is all yours? As you believe, so you will perceive.
2) You'd rather be right than in love .
As long as we're talking about how to respond proactively when things go wrong, let's just acknowledge that there will inevitably be times when your partner falls short, makes a mistake or frankly, just blows it. Even though it may seem justified or feel better in the moment, choosing a righteous response will only damage trust and create lingering resentment. Plus, it will teach them to stonewall, deny and argue rather than simply apologize and admit a mistake in the future.
It's critical to condition the behavior you want to see by using rewards and not punishment if you want a relationship that lasts. Take the high road and give your partner the benefit of the doubt, especially if they don't expect or feel they deserve it. It really builds up appreciation, good will and a desire to do even better to please you next time.
Bottom line: whenever possible, give people a graceful way to save face when they screw up. Have the humility to apologize quickly if you're the one who screws up. Both habits will go a very long way to creating and sustaining the love you deserve. [Please note: I am not suggesting you be a doormat and allow outrageous behavior to go unchallenged. I'm simply saying don't sweat the small stuff and choose to stand your ground on the bigger stuff that may be a deal breaker.]
3) You take things personally and make it about you.
Human beings will usually try to meet their perceived needs, even if it occasionally means violating their values in some way. The truth is, it often has very little to do with anyone else because someone else's needs simply aren't as critical as your own needs. That makes sense, doesn't it? That's why it's a huge waste of time and energy to demonize a partner's actions and make them about you.
Choose to empathize with their needs instead. What better way to demonstrate maturity and your own value than by acknowledging that your partner has needs that also deserve to be met? Do your best to be the one who can help them meet their needs better than anyone else. When you take things personally and get your feelings hurt too easily, it closes off communication, makes problem-solving nearly impossible and leaves you both at risk. Instead, be open to hearing what your partner wants and needs. Look for the common ground instead of the insult.
4) You don't create a safe space for your partner to speak openly and just be.
I know many of these items seem to overlap and that's because they do cross over into one another. The truth is, bad habits and poor strategies that don't work are a slippery slope to ruin. People have a need to be seen, heard, acknowledged and appreciated just as they are. They don't want to be judged, manipulated or treated as if they're wrong and broken. This is a foundational need that is so important, it's almost like emotional oxygen.
I'll tell you a secret: Sometimes, people may think they need or want things that might be real deal breakers for other people. But what they really needed all along was just the acceptance that came with simply hearing them out and not making them wrong. They key to remember is that as soon as you judge someone else, you lose all ability to influence them. If you can accept people where they are and give them more unconditional love than they've ever felt in their lives, that is the secret to an undying love. Think about it. Why would someone risk losing the greatest partner they've ever had? Someone who also happens to always see the absolute best in them, even when they, themselves, temporarily lose sight of it. That is a powerful attribute and really, really tough to ever leave.
5) You put other people or things ahead of your relationship .
What you fail to celebrate will eventually deteriorate. A relationship, like all living things, needs nurturing, care and ongoing nourishment if you want it to not only survive, but thrive. Too often, we get hypnotized by random unfinished business, never-ending demands and the shiny objects of a 24/7 media world.
The key here is instituting rituals. If you value what you have, institute a regular date night ritual or a bedtime ritual — like a nightly gratitude check-in or just couples time. This is not a time to vent or complain. It's a time to connect, wind down and fill one another up for the next day. If that seems too overwhelming to do on a daily basis, just try it once for a week or a month. The idea is to build a habit and muscle. You don't get in great shape by going to a gym once. It's the culmination of many trips that gives you the results you want. Again, let the ritual do the work and you'll thank me for it later.
6) You don't know or fulfill one another's love strategy .
You need to learn how to understand, communicate and request that your own needs be met in a way that makes your partner very likely to comply with them. Basically, I call it The H.U.G. & K.I.S.S. Hierarchy™. It's like getting the precise combination to your partner's love vault and being able to crack it open any time you wish.
Let me put it this way: if you knew exactly how to delight your partner over and over again and make them feel more loved, understood and appreciated than they've ever felt in their whole life, would you do it? Of course you would! I can't tell you how many times I hear couples in crisis angrily claim, "I've done everything!" But the truth is if they did the right thing, they wouldn't be in crisis, would they?
7) You expect your partner to think and act exactly like you.
Do you know the root cause of nearly every argument between a couple in a relationship? It's about some sort of discrepancy between their individual values, beliefs, habits or expectations. That's it. In order to be successful long-term, it's important to be on similar pages regarding some of life's most important topics. It's also worth remembering that a relationship is between two individuals.
It's important that you give your partner room to have their own opinions and views without trying to change them or manipulate them to your way of thinking. Effective partnership is really about voluntarily becoming a team because you recognize that together, you are better than the sum of your parts. When it comes to reconciling your differences, you really only have three good choices: you can either celebrate them, mitigate them or obliterate them. Which one would you prefer?
8) You lost polarity and the attraction has totally fizzled out .
I could give you a whole science lesson on magnetic attraction or polarity but let me just bottom-line it for you. Two energies which are polar opposites create attraction and stick together effortlessly. Two energies that are the same repel one another.
When partners are living in their core energy, they attract naturally but under pressure, they lose their way and take on opposite attributes. In other words, both partners find one another equally repulsive. The solution is two people finding the strength and resolve to recapture what they once had, protect it and nurture it. Build it back to where it's stronger than ever and to withstand whatever comes its way. It sounds easy to say, but sometimes it requires some expert assistance to help bring you back from the edge. This is what I do and if I can help, please feel free to reach out. True love is far too precious to just throw it away without first giving it everything you've got.
9) You're inauthentic or lose respect for one another .
As long as we're talking about opposites here, there are essentially two states when it comes to living in true, complete and radical authenticity. You are either living fully expressed, completely repressed or somewhere in between. People who are fully expressed and are well along on the path to self-actualization tend to be some of the happiest and most fulfilled people you'll ever meet. By the same token, repressed individuals tend to live with varying degrees of shame, unhappiness or even self-loathing. In fact, repressed individuals often strike back at society through violence or criminal activity when the frustration gets too high.
The beautiful thing about relationships at their best is that it's within the bonds of true intimacy where individuals are free to be completely self-expressed, accepted and even protected. One of the great ironies in the human experience is that there may be no greater force to bring two people together than true radical authenticity. People who are free and make no apologies for themselves are seen as powerful and compelling. Even when two parties are totally at odds with one another, nothing has the power to reunite them more beautifully than raw vulnerability, when expressed without attack. I've seen it too many times and watched people come back from the edge, even when all was feared lost. Your greatest power is also that which you fear the most — embracing your true vulnerability.
10) You over-value certainty or fail to embrace change.
There is only one constant in life. Change is inevitable. The old joke is that women marry men thinking they'll change him. Men marry women thinking they'll never change. Somehow, they both end up being wrong. The truth of the matter is that over the course of a lifetime, you will learn things, make new distinctions and further clarify your values and beliefs.
You can either grow apart slowly over time or you can honor one another's journey. Find the common ground and do your best to expand it whenever possible. No one says you and your partner have to be of one mind on every possible issue. But you can be of one heart if you simply love them for who they are and who they are on the way to becoming. Everyone is bound to change over time, but no one wants to be changed or feel pressured to conform. If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to your partner.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.com
More from YourTango:
- Are You in Love? Here’s How to Tell!
- Feeling Hopeless? Save Your Marriage with This Advice
- 15 Signs You’re in an Abusive Relationship
- Trying Couples Counseling? 3 Tips You’ll Need
Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook and Twitter. Sign up for our newsletter here.
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Adam Levine Marries Behati Prinsloo In Front Of Robert Downey Jr., Others
Adam Levine, alleged Sexiest Man Alive and person who knows you think he's a douchebag, is now married to Behati Prinsloo. According to People, the couple tied the knot in Mexico on Saturday night, July 19th, in front of an intimate group of approximately 275 guests, which included Robert Downey Jr.
Levine, 35, and Prinsloo, 25, got engaged in June of 2013 after dating for a year. While preparing for their wedding, Levine spoke openly about being ready to settle down. "I definitely feel like I'm sitting in the chair I'm supposed to be sitting in right now," he told People. "It all feels very natural."
E! News reports that Levine "looked dapper in a fitted tux," while Prinsloo wore a white Marchesa gown. The couple, who is headed to South America for their honeymoon, received no gifts from Robert Downey Jr. or anyone else, having requested that guests donate to the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles.
There is no report as to whether "She Will be Loved" was played on infinite loop at the reception, but it probably was.
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Levine, 35, and Prinsloo, 25, got engaged in June of 2013 after dating for a year. While preparing for their wedding, Levine spoke openly about being ready to settle down. "I definitely feel like I'm sitting in the chair I'm supposed to be sitting in right now," he told People. "It all feels very natural."
E! News reports that Levine "looked dapper in a fitted tux," while Prinsloo wore a white Marchesa gown. The couple, who is headed to South America for their honeymoon, received no gifts from Robert Downey Jr. or anyone else, having requested that guests donate to the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles.
There is no report as to whether "She Will be Loved" was played on infinite loop at the reception, but it probably was.
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Ex Destiny's Child Member, Farrah Franklin, Arrested For Disorderly Conduct
A former member of Destiny's Child was arrested in South Carolina over the weekend for disorderly conduct.
Farrah Franklin, who was a part of the R&B group for five months before her exit in 2000, was arrested for disorderly conduct after a night out in Myrtle Beach on Sunday, July 20, the Associated Press reports.
Franklin had been out drinking with NFL players Daquan Bowers and Ricky Sapp when the three returned to Sapp's house early Sunday. The two men told police the 33-year-old was "yelling, slamming doors and refused to stop when asked," so they called the police. When law enforcement arrived, they found Franklin lying in a neighbor's yard. She told them she "did not have anywhere else to go and was planning on sleeping in the woods."
She was booked into the J. Reuben Long Detention Center at 4:55 a.m. on Sunday, according to the Horry County Sheriff's Office. She was released on $280 bond.
After the incident, Franklin posted a motivational quote to Instagram, and wrote: "That part! I'm good just hate the dumb media sometimes, but hey this is the job I signed up for. So I respect it #TurnDownForWhat #TeamFARRAH #GodsChild #Instagram."
TMZ reported this is not the first time Franklin has been arrested for disorderly conduct. She was arrested in Los Angeles in 2011 for the same offense. At the time, she allegedly claimed she was the victim of racial profiling.
Beyonce told MTV in 2000 that Franklin's exit was a group decision that came after she missed multiple promotional events.
Farrah Franklin, who was a part of the R&B group for five months before her exit in 2000, was arrested for disorderly conduct after a night out in Myrtle Beach on Sunday, July 20, the Associated Press reports.
Franklin had been out drinking with NFL players Daquan Bowers and Ricky Sapp when the three returned to Sapp's house early Sunday. The two men told police the 33-year-old was "yelling, slamming doors and refused to stop when asked," so they called the police. When law enforcement arrived, they found Franklin lying in a neighbor's yard. She told them she "did not have anywhere else to go and was planning on sleeping in the woods."
She was booked into the J. Reuben Long Detention Center at 4:55 a.m. on Sunday, according to the Horry County Sheriff's Office. She was released on $280 bond.
After the incident, Franklin posted a motivational quote to Instagram, and wrote: "That part! I'm good just hate the dumb media sometimes, but hey this is the job I signed up for. So I respect it #TurnDownForWhat #TeamFARRAH #GodsChild #Instagram."
TMZ reported this is not the first time Franklin has been arrested for disorderly conduct. She was arrested in Los Angeles in 2011 for the same offense. At the time, she allegedly claimed she was the victim of racial profiling.
Beyonce told MTV in 2000 that Franklin's exit was a group decision that came after she missed multiple promotional events.
A-Sides with Jon Chattman: Miguelito Keeps It Humble; Ace Reporter's New Lyric Music Video "Arrives"
In a pop world in which teen stars crash and burn, it's so refreshing to watch and listen to Latin Grammy winner Miguelito. The 15 year old has kept his head on straight no matter the success he's found at such a young age. While most kids are playing video games or getting messy playing in dirt outdoors, Miguelito started his music career at the age of six, releasing Mas Grande Que Tu. That album was a hit, and his follow-up El Heredero earned him a Latin Grammy for Best Childrens' Album. He's been praised by Billboard, and just about everywhere else, and urban legend Daddy Yankee took him under his wing shortly thereafter. Not too bad considering when I was seven, my biggest accomplishment was getting lost on the beach at Wildwood, NJ. Anyway, Miguelito is back with a cover of The Archies classic "Sugar Sugar," and it's as catchy now as it was back then. His "Suga Suga" is a summer gem, and features Boyz II Men's Shawn Stockman. At Primary Wave Music's Listening Room in New York City, I spoke with the young talent for A-Sides about his fast rise in the industry and working with Stockman and Daddy Yankee. Enjoy!
"Suga Suga" (which is an energetic remake of The Archies 1969 timeless classic "Sugar Sugar") made its highly anticipated worldwide debut exclusively via Sirius XM Satellite Radio. "I chose "Suga Suga" as my new single because my family and I would sing along to the original song when I was growing up. Shawn Stockman from Boyz II Men and I have created this new upbeat version. I am super excited to be collaborating with him on this song," commented Miguelito. Miguelito's colorful version is sure to have everyone dancing to the contagious beat of the song, and it won't be long until the catchy lyrics become the new teen pop anthem.
It's been a pretty good year for Chicago's Ace Reporter, and that's probably an understatement. The band's Yearling XL was released to much love, and today the band's allowing me to premiere the lyric video for its hit single "Untouched and Arrived" courtesy of Northern
Transmissions. Have a watch and listen, and get on this band now. They're going to make you famous in your social circles one day.
Ace Reporter: Untouched and Arrived Lyric Video:
A-Sides "Delve Into Twelve" Countdown
Each week A-Sides unleashes its Top 12 tracks of the week AKA the "Delve Into Twelve"based on the following contributing factors: songs I'm playing out that particular week NO MATTER WHEN THEY WERE RELEASED (think overlooked songs, unreleased tracks, and old favorites), songs various publicists are trying to get me to listen to that I did and dug a bunch, posts and trends I've noticed on my friends' Facebook walls, and - most importantly - the songs my two-year-old son gravitates toward by stomping his feet in approval. Yeah, you read that right. This weeks follows below (LW= last week's rank).
12. "Hunger of the Pine" (debut) - Alt-J
11. "Overdose" (debut) - Little Daylight
10. "Boom Clap" (debut) - Charli XCX
9."Get Hurt" (LW-11) - Gaslight Anthem
8. "Let it Burn" (LW-5) - The Orwells
7."Out of My Mind" (LW-10) - Magic Man
6."Would You Fight For My Love?" (LW-3) - Jack White
5."Like a Stranger" (LW-6) - Kitten
4. "Reverse" (LW-9) - SomeKindaWonderful
3 "Seasons (Waiting On You) - (LW-4) - Future Islands
2."Shadow" (LW-2) - Bleachers
1."Stolen Dance" (LW-1) - Milky Chance
_________
About A-Sides Music
Jon Chattman's "A-Sides Music" series was established in August 2011 and usually features artists (established or not) from all genres performing a track, and discussing what it means to them. This informal series focuses on the artist making art in a low-threatening, extremely informal (sometimes humorous) way. No bells, no whistles -- just the music performed in a random, low-key setting followed by an unrehearsed chat. In an industry where everything often gets overblown and over manufactured, I'm hoping this is refreshing. Artists have included: fun, Courtney Love, Air Supply, Birdy, Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings, Pharrell Williams, American Authors, Imagine Dragons, Gary Clark Jr., and more! A-Sides theme written and performed by Blondfire.
"Suga Suga" (which is an energetic remake of The Archies 1969 timeless classic "Sugar Sugar") made its highly anticipated worldwide debut exclusively via Sirius XM Satellite Radio. "I chose "Suga Suga" as my new single because my family and I would sing along to the original song when I was growing up. Shawn Stockman from Boyz II Men and I have created this new upbeat version. I am super excited to be collaborating with him on this song," commented Miguelito. Miguelito's colorful version is sure to have everyone dancing to the contagious beat of the song, and it won't be long until the catchy lyrics become the new teen pop anthem.
It's been a pretty good year for Chicago's Ace Reporter, and that's probably an understatement. The band's Yearling XL was released to much love, and today the band's allowing me to premiere the lyric video for its hit single "Untouched and Arrived" courtesy of Northern
Transmissions. Have a watch and listen, and get on this band now. They're going to make you famous in your social circles one day.
Ace Reporter: Untouched and Arrived Lyric Video:
A-Sides "Delve Into Twelve" Countdown
Each week A-Sides unleashes its Top 12 tracks of the week AKA the "Delve Into Twelve"based on the following contributing factors: songs I'm playing out that particular week NO MATTER WHEN THEY WERE RELEASED (think overlooked songs, unreleased tracks, and old favorites), songs various publicists are trying to get me to listen to that I did and dug a bunch, posts and trends I've noticed on my friends' Facebook walls, and - most importantly - the songs my two-year-old son gravitates toward by stomping his feet in approval. Yeah, you read that right. This weeks follows below (LW= last week's rank).
12. "Hunger of the Pine" (debut) - Alt-J
11. "Overdose" (debut) - Little Daylight
10. "Boom Clap" (debut) - Charli XCX
9."Get Hurt" (LW-11) - Gaslight Anthem
8. "Let it Burn" (LW-5) - The Orwells
7."Out of My Mind" (LW-10) - Magic Man
6."Would You Fight For My Love?" (LW-3) - Jack White
5."Like a Stranger" (LW-6) - Kitten
4. "Reverse" (LW-9) - SomeKindaWonderful
3 "Seasons (Waiting On You) - (LW-4) - Future Islands
2."Shadow" (LW-2) - Bleachers
1."Stolen Dance" (LW-1) - Milky Chance
About A-Sides Music
Jon Chattman's "A-Sides Music" series was established in August 2011 and usually features artists (established or not) from all genres performing a track, and discussing what it means to them. This informal series focuses on the artist making art in a low-threatening, extremely informal (sometimes humorous) way. No bells, no whistles -- just the music performed in a random, low-key setting followed by an unrehearsed chat. In an industry where everything often gets overblown and over manufactured, I'm hoping this is refreshing. Artists have included: fun, Courtney Love, Air Supply, Birdy, Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings, Pharrell Williams, American Authors, Imagine Dragons, Gary Clark Jr., and more! A-Sides theme written and performed by Blondfire.
Tom Petty Criticizes Catholic Church For Sex Abuses In New Song 'Playing Dumb'
Rocker Tom Petty has taken on a weighty and controversial topic in the bonus track to his new album, "Hypnotic Eye," and it's not bound to win him any friends at the Vatican.
The song -- "Playing Dumb" -- addresses the victims of the Catholic Church's sex abuses over the last several decades and will appear as a bonus track on the new album's vinyl release.
In an interview with Billboard preceding the album's release, Petty said:
Billboard quoted several lines from the song that illustrate a sense of distrust toward the church: “For every confession that wasn’t on the level/For every man of God that lives with hidden devils.”
Although "Playing Dumb" may be one of the first songs explicitly written about the Catholic Church's sex abuses, Petty isn't the first mainstream artist to publicly condemn the church its response to the allegations. In 1992 singer Sinéad O'Connor unexpectedly ripped up a photograph of Pope John Paul II on the set of Saturday Night Live to protest sex abuse in the church.
In an interview with Salon ten years after the incident O'Connor expressed a desire to "be honest" about the Catholic Church, even if that honesty landed her in trouble. "You can’t let fear stop you," she said. "That’s one of the things you learn from people like Jesus, or the Martin Luther Kings or any of those people. You can’t let fear stop you from being honest.”
The song -- "Playing Dumb" -- addresses the victims of the Catholic Church's sex abuses over the last several decades and will appear as a bonus track on the new album's vinyl release.
In an interview with Billboard preceding the album's release, Petty said:
"I'm fine with whatever religion you want to have… [But] if I was in a club, and I found out that there had been generations of people abusing children, and then that club was covering that up, I would quit the club. And I wouldn't give them any more money."
Billboard quoted several lines from the song that illustrate a sense of distrust toward the church: “For every confession that wasn’t on the level/For every man of God that lives with hidden devils.”
Although "Playing Dumb" may be one of the first songs explicitly written about the Catholic Church's sex abuses, Petty isn't the first mainstream artist to publicly condemn the church its response to the allegations. In 1992 singer Sinéad O'Connor unexpectedly ripped up a photograph of Pope John Paul II on the set of Saturday Night Live to protest sex abuse in the church.
In an interview with Salon ten years after the incident O'Connor expressed a desire to "be honest" about the Catholic Church, even if that honesty landed her in trouble. "You can’t let fear stop you," she said. "That’s one of the things you learn from people like Jesus, or the Martin Luther Kings or any of those people. You can’t let fear stop you from being honest.”
The Frustrating Plot Hole In The Superman Movies That Seems To Fly Over Everyone’s Head
Comedian Hari Kondabolu humorously points out an inconvenient fact about Superman.
Tamar Iveri, Georgian Soprano, Announces Benefit Concert To Apologize To Gay Communtiy
How do you earn back the respect of the queer community after making some pretty horrific anti-gay comments?
This seems like a pretty good start.
Georgian soprano Tamar Iveri landed herself in hot water earlier this year when the press brought to light an anti-gay Facebook post made by the singer in May 2013. After being released from her contract with Opera Australia as a result of the anti-gay Comments, Iveri is now reportedly planning a concert to benefit lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) victims of violence.
According to Classicalite, the concert is scheduled to take place on National Coming Out Day, Oct. 11, in Tbilisi, Georgia and will be "dedicated to the victims of all kinds of violence."
Iveri's comments were originally presented as an open letter to the president of Georgia in wake of violence at the 2012 Gerogian gay pride march. The comments stated,
(h/t Towleroad)
This seems like a pretty good start.
Georgian soprano Tamar Iveri landed herself in hot water earlier this year when the press brought to light an anti-gay Facebook post made by the singer in May 2013. After being released from her contract with Opera Australia as a result of the anti-gay Comments, Iveri is now reportedly planning a concert to benefit lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) victims of violence.
According to Classicalite, the concert is scheduled to take place on National Coming Out Day, Oct. 11, in Tbilisi, Georgia and will be "dedicated to the victims of all kinds of violence."
Iveri's comments were originally presented as an open letter to the president of Georgia in wake of violence at the 2012 Gerogian gay pride march. The comments stated,
I was quite proud of the fact how Georgian society spat at the parade… Often, in certain cases, it is necessary to break jaws in order to be appreciated as a nation in the future, and to be taken into account seriously. Please, stop vigorous attempts to bring West’s "fecal masses" in the mentality of the people by means of propaganda.
(h/t Towleroad)
Ricardo Rodriguez going nowhere say Wolfsburg, as Manchester United weigh up bid
Wolfsburg have made it clear they have no intention of selling Ricardo Rodriguez, despite rumours linking the Swiss left-back with a move to Manchester United.
Steven Gerrard made the right decision to retire from international football, says Jamie Carragher
Jamie Carragher believes that his former Liverpool and England team-mate Steven Gerrard has made the right decision in retiring from international football.
Mats Hummels close to joining Manchester United from Borussia Dortmund
Mats Hummels looks set to join Manchester United this week from Borussia Dortmund with the two clubs remained locked in talks ahead of the prospective move.
England failed Steven Gerrard and turned him into a mediocrity on national duty
Steven Gerrard has retired from international football after 114 caps and last month, just before his final cap, Chief Sports Writer Martin Samuel wrote about how England failed their captain.
George Takei Chats About The Next Generation of Archie Comics
We (accidentally) broke the news to George Takei that Archie died, protecting
George's comic book pal Kevin Keller.
Although he was saddened to hear the news, he looked on the bright side and said, "the next generation is coming and Kevin Keller is out and happy and that's the new generation, so I guess they're handing the torch over to the new generation where being gay isn't a big thing."
George also had some poignant things to say about changes in media and people's way of thinking in 2014.
"Media, or in this case comics, are influenced by the changes that are happening in society," Takei said. "By them embracing that, we change and more people are stopping to think 'maybe they are right.'"
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Man Sends Wife Spreadsheet Of All Her Excuses Not To Have Sex
The key to improving intimacy is creating a spreadsheet to document all the times you felt rejected and then emailing said spreadsheet to your partner, right? Wrong.
For some reason, though, one unnamed man presumably thought it would be a good idea to do just that. So, he set up a three-columned spreadsheet of all the times he initiated sex with his wife over the course of six weeks. In column A he recorded the date (June 3 to July 16); in column B he included the response (yes or no) and in column C he wrote down the excuse his wife used against having sex on a particular night.
Someone claiming to be the wife took the spreadsheet to Reddit and, under the username throwwwwaway29, shared it with the /r/relationships community, writing: "My husband [M26] sent me [F26] an immature, inflammatory email as I was driving to the airport for a 10-day work trip. Now he has cut contact."
Deadspin's The Concourse blog published the woman's full description, which has since been converted to a locked post on Reddit, of what occurred:
Responses to the woman's post were mixed. Some sided with her.
"If someone had constructed a spreadsheet of reasons why I wouldn't have sex with them, it would make me instantly want to pounce on their c--k and worship them like the god of sex they clearly are," one user wrote sarcastically. "No wait -- it would make me feel nauseous and like I didn't want them anywhere near me. That's beyond pathetic."
Some sided with the husband.
"[I]f someone refused to have sex with me over & over & over again despite my repeated attempts, culminating in them only agreeing to it 3 times in 7 weeks, and they used the same excuses each time, excuses which could be easily remedied, it would make me feel like they didn't want me anywhere near them," another user wrote.
Others just noted the obvious communication issues within the relationship.
Regardless of who is right and who is wrong, the sexual entitlement here is pretty undeniable. So is the immaturity.
"I'm not a marriage counselor," writes Bob Powers of Someecards, "but I'm pretty sure that if you and the spouse aren't sleeping together as much as you'd like, the way to turn her on is not with passive-aggressive use of Microsoft Office."
We couldn't have said it better ourselves.
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For some reason, though, one unnamed man presumably thought it would be a good idea to do just that. So, he set up a three-columned spreadsheet of all the times he initiated sex with his wife over the course of six weeks. In column A he recorded the date (June 3 to July 16); in column B he included the response (yes or no) and in column C he wrote down the excuse his wife used against having sex on a particular night.
Someone claiming to be the wife took the spreadsheet to Reddit and, under the username throwwwwaway29, shared it with the /r/relationships community, writing: "My husband [M26] sent me [F26] an immature, inflammatory email as I was driving to the airport for a 10-day work trip. Now he has cut contact."
Deadspin's The Concourse blog published the woman's full description, which has since been converted to a locked post on Reddit, of what occurred:
Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He's never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it's a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won't miss me for the 10 days I'm gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my 'excuses,' using verbatim quotes of why I didn't feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his 'document', we've only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 'attempts' on his part.
Responses to the woman's post were mixed. Some sided with her.
"If someone had constructed a spreadsheet of reasons why I wouldn't have sex with them, it would make me instantly want to pounce on their c--k and worship them like the god of sex they clearly are," one user wrote sarcastically. "No wait -- it would make me feel nauseous and like I didn't want them anywhere near me. That's beyond pathetic."
Some sided with the husband.
"[I]f someone refused to have sex with me over & over & over again despite my repeated attempts, culminating in them only agreeing to it 3 times in 7 weeks, and they used the same excuses each time, excuses which could be easily remedied, it would make me feel like they didn't want me anywhere near them," another user wrote.
Others just noted the obvious communication issues within the relationship.
Regardless of who is right and who is wrong, the sexual entitlement here is pretty undeniable. So is the immaturity.
"I'm not a marriage counselor," writes Bob Powers of Someecards, "but I'm pretty sure that if you and the spouse aren't sleeping together as much as you'd like, the way to turn her on is not with passive-aggressive use of Microsoft Office."
We couldn't have said it better ourselves.
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Sunday, 20 July 2014
'Gotham' On Fox: Talking Superheroes And Cops With The Man Behind The Show
One of the most hotly anticipated fall shows is Fox's "Gotham," which chronicles the career of police detective James Gordon, the man who goes on to be Commissioner Gordon in the Batman universe.
The opening moments of the "Gotham" pilot, which will be screened next week at Comic-Con in San Diego, depict the murder of young Bruce Wayne's parents -- the cornerstone of the Batman myth. But while Wayne and his butler Alfred are part of the show, the drama doesn't revolve around them. "Gotham" stars Ben McKenzie as Gordon, who is uneasily partnered with the shady cop Harvey Bullock (Donal Logue).
At a panel discussion of "Gotham" at the Television Critics Association press tour on Sunday, executive producer Bruno Heller discussed making a superhero show that is essentially without a superhero.
"The show is all about, how do you deal with crime at this level when there are no superheroes," Heller said. "It's about ordinary, mortal men and women and the struggle they are engaged in" to keep crime and corruption from overwhelming an increasingly chaotic city.
"To me, heroes are more interesting than superheroes," Heller added. "The difference is, superheroes do the impossible, and drama is really about the possible -- the physically possible. This is about people trying to overcome real problems as opposed to trying to learn how to fly. … Certainly for me, the really interesting parts of these stories are the origin stories -- as soon as you're into the capes and costumes, it's less interesting than seeing how they got there."
Heller said that the show, which is set in an indeterminate past that melds boxy '70s and '80s cars with flip phones and brooding film-noir elements, will stick to the core, "canonical" elements of the Batman mythology. But he made it clear that "Gotham" won't shy away from adding to or altering the stories that fans may know from the films or comic books.
For example, Jada Pinkett Smith's character, underworld boss Fish Mooney, is a new creation for "Gotham," but the pilot also features a number of well-known characters from the Batman universe. Heller noted that much of the first year's overarching plot will chronicle the rise of Oswald Cobblepot (aka the Penguin) and his power struggles with Mooney, but it remains to be seen how other characters, such as Selina Kyle and Edward Nygma, will be woven into the overall narrative.
In an interview with several journalists after the TCA panel, Heller was asked about one element of the pilot: The introduction of a character named Ivy Pepper, who of course instantly brought Poison Ivy to mind. Without giving too much away, Heller sketched out a season one path for the character that appears to vary from past depictions of Poison Ivy. (IGN has more details on what Heller said about Ivy Pepper and another character who may or may not be the Joker.)
"It's really about being able to tell the secret histories" of the characters, Heller said. "If you just re-tell the stories exactly as they've been told before, while you're being true to the created mythology, you're not really adding anything to it, so you have to find ways of [coming up with] more."
The good news is that Heller and his writers, who have to run major story ideas past the DC Comics' brain trust, aren't hemmed in by an overly dense Jim Gordon mythology. A few ideas have been shot down, Heller said, but it's been generally clear sailing.
"Because we're dealing with pre-Batman period, there are a few issues of chronology that will come up later that will be tricky, but at this stage, we've got pretty much free rein," he said.
I asked Heller how the show would balance the crime or criminal of the week with serialized storytelling.
"That's the biggest question for us as well. We know the answer, but it's a tough balance," Heller said. "They're cops, Gordon and Bullock, they're the center of the show. Every week, there will be a standalone story or case that they're investigating. We combine that with the serialized elements as we roll forward. Occasionally, when that serialized element reaches a climax, we will do fully serialized episodes that don't have a closed-ended case.
"TV has become more about binge-viewing and DVRs and all the rest of it, so there's more space for that," added Heller, who created CBS' "The Mentalist" and HBO's "Rome." "The networks are more [accepting of that]. Five years ago, no one wanted that. ... Now it's balanced by the fact that the appetite for serialized storytelling is that much stronger. Then the responsibility becomes telling that serialized story in as exciting and satisfying a way as possible. You've also got to tell the standalone stories, and you're never quite sure whether you've got the balance right."
Heller also expanded on the reason to make "Gotham" much more about Jim Gordon and the city's criminals than about the caped crusader who comes to the city's rescue years after his parents' death.
"When you have a superhero on the screen, ordinary people are kind of diminished, and you're just waiting for the superhero to arrive," Heller noted. "So how do you do a DC story on TV? Concentrate on the ordinary, real people."
Though I understand Heller's reasoning, I'd respectfully disagree with aspects of that last statement. One thing the CW's "Arrow" has done well is depict a superhero character who is clearly flawed and whose occasional failures add depth to the emotional narrative, and the roster of worthwhile characters on that show means that scenes without Oliver are far from dead weight. And I've only seen the pilot for "The Flash," which arrives on the CW this fall, but it also has a promising ensemble and a similarly layered lead character -- one who certainly has not reliably mastered his new powers by the time the pilot ends. One thing the pilots for both CW shows had: a lively energy, something the more labored "Gotham" sometimes lacks.
Clearly these are very different shows with divergent tones and goals, and from his comments, it appears Heller has thought hard about how to make "Gotham" work in the long term. I'll write more about the show close to its Sept. 22 premiere, but my chief concern about the "Gotham" pilot, which is generally solid, is that it retains the grim tone of the Christopher Nolan films without also offering those movies' style, scope and visionary thrills. There's a somewhat strained quality to the pilot that makes Pinkett Smith's lively performance as Fish Mooney that much more necessary.
Will "Gotham" ultimately become as addictive as "Arrow" or wrestle with the kinds of lumbering problems that affected "Marvel's Agents of Shield" during most of its debut season? There's no way to tell, but if Heller can inject some "Rome"-style complexity and character-driven storytelling into this evolving Batman backstory, it could be a worthwhile ride.
The opening moments of the "Gotham" pilot, which will be screened next week at Comic-Con in San Diego, depict the murder of young Bruce Wayne's parents -- the cornerstone of the Batman myth. But while Wayne and his butler Alfred are part of the show, the drama doesn't revolve around them. "Gotham" stars Ben McKenzie as Gordon, who is uneasily partnered with the shady cop Harvey Bullock (Donal Logue).
At a panel discussion of "Gotham" at the Television Critics Association press tour on Sunday, executive producer Bruno Heller discussed making a superhero show that is essentially without a superhero.
"The show is all about, how do you deal with crime at this level when there are no superheroes," Heller said. "It's about ordinary, mortal men and women and the struggle they are engaged in" to keep crime and corruption from overwhelming an increasingly chaotic city.
"To me, heroes are more interesting than superheroes," Heller added. "The difference is, superheroes do the impossible, and drama is really about the possible -- the physically possible. This is about people trying to overcome real problems as opposed to trying to learn how to fly. … Certainly for me, the really interesting parts of these stories are the origin stories -- as soon as you're into the capes and costumes, it's less interesting than seeing how they got there."
Heller said that the show, which is set in an indeterminate past that melds boxy '70s and '80s cars with flip phones and brooding film-noir elements, will stick to the core, "canonical" elements of the Batman mythology. But he made it clear that "Gotham" won't shy away from adding to or altering the stories that fans may know from the films or comic books.
For example, Jada Pinkett Smith's character, underworld boss Fish Mooney, is a new creation for "Gotham," but the pilot also features a number of well-known characters from the Batman universe. Heller noted that much of the first year's overarching plot will chronicle the rise of Oswald Cobblepot (aka the Penguin) and his power struggles with Mooney, but it remains to be seen how other characters, such as Selina Kyle and Edward Nygma, will be woven into the overall narrative.
In an interview with several journalists after the TCA panel, Heller was asked about one element of the pilot: The introduction of a character named Ivy Pepper, who of course instantly brought Poison Ivy to mind. Without giving too much away, Heller sketched out a season one path for the character that appears to vary from past depictions of Poison Ivy. (IGN has more details on what Heller said about Ivy Pepper and another character who may or may not be the Joker.)
"It's really about being able to tell the secret histories" of the characters, Heller said. "If you just re-tell the stories exactly as they've been told before, while you're being true to the created mythology, you're not really adding anything to it, so you have to find ways of [coming up with] more."
The good news is that Heller and his writers, who have to run major story ideas past the DC Comics' brain trust, aren't hemmed in by an overly dense Jim Gordon mythology. A few ideas have been shot down, Heller said, but it's been generally clear sailing.
"Because we're dealing with pre-Batman period, there are a few issues of chronology that will come up later that will be tricky, but at this stage, we've got pretty much free rein," he said.
I asked Heller how the show would balance the crime or criminal of the week with serialized storytelling.
"That's the biggest question for us as well. We know the answer, but it's a tough balance," Heller said. "They're cops, Gordon and Bullock, they're the center of the show. Every week, there will be a standalone story or case that they're investigating. We combine that with the serialized elements as we roll forward. Occasionally, when that serialized element reaches a climax, we will do fully serialized episodes that don't have a closed-ended case.
"TV has become more about binge-viewing and DVRs and all the rest of it, so there's more space for that," added Heller, who created CBS' "The Mentalist" and HBO's "Rome." "The networks are more [accepting of that]. Five years ago, no one wanted that. ... Now it's balanced by the fact that the appetite for serialized storytelling is that much stronger. Then the responsibility becomes telling that serialized story in as exciting and satisfying a way as possible. You've also got to tell the standalone stories, and you're never quite sure whether you've got the balance right."
Heller also expanded on the reason to make "Gotham" much more about Jim Gordon and the city's criminals than about the caped crusader who comes to the city's rescue years after his parents' death.
"When you have a superhero on the screen, ordinary people are kind of diminished, and you're just waiting for the superhero to arrive," Heller noted. "So how do you do a DC story on TV? Concentrate on the ordinary, real people."
Though I understand Heller's reasoning, I'd respectfully disagree with aspects of that last statement. One thing the CW's "Arrow" has done well is depict a superhero character who is clearly flawed and whose occasional failures add depth to the emotional narrative, and the roster of worthwhile characters on that show means that scenes without Oliver are far from dead weight. And I've only seen the pilot for "The Flash," which arrives on the CW this fall, but it also has a promising ensemble and a similarly layered lead character -- one who certainly has not reliably mastered his new powers by the time the pilot ends. One thing the pilots for both CW shows had: a lively energy, something the more labored "Gotham" sometimes lacks.
Clearly these are very different shows with divergent tones and goals, and from his comments, it appears Heller has thought hard about how to make "Gotham" work in the long term. I'll write more about the show close to its Sept. 22 premiere, but my chief concern about the "Gotham" pilot, which is generally solid, is that it retains the grim tone of the Christopher Nolan films without also offering those movies' style, scope and visionary thrills. There's a somewhat strained quality to the pilot that makes Pinkett Smith's lively performance as Fish Mooney that much more necessary.
Will "Gotham" ultimately become as addictive as "Arrow" or wrestle with the kinds of lumbering problems that affected "Marvel's Agents of Shield" during most of its debut season? There's no way to tell, but if Heller can inject some "Rome"-style complexity and character-driven storytelling into this evolving Batman backstory, it could be a worthwhile ride.
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