Ever wondered why some relationships survive the tide and others
sink? These 5 secrets are at the root of their happiness or misery.
Trust
A house that is divided is a house that cannot and does not stand.
Where there is no trust between you and your partner there will be no
room for your relationship to grow. Where growth does not take place,
there is room for communication to denigrate. Trust is activated where
there is consistency, communication and commitment. These are the 3 C’s
required to make a recipe for unity.
Trust is the product of that
mixture. So a practical example would be to make sure you and your
partner are in constant communication on a daily basis. Ensure that
there is consistent connection and this in turn would foster commitment.
These are the three strands that would enable your relationship to
stand.
Attraction
Another important aspect of
a successful relationship is attraction. Where there is no attraction
there is room for distractions. To nurture the natural chemistry that is
at the root of your relationship, you need to feed it and make sure it
is fostered continually. You ensure this happens by spending time with
your partner, making room for a connection to be fostered through
conversations, activities, adventures that naturally build on the
original energy that is at the base of your relationship’s identity.
This will enable attraction to not only grow, but for it to bloom and
when attraction blooms it is attractive. To understand this
better, imagine a plant that is nurtured and cared for. As a result it
grows not only stronger, but finer. Hence, when you allow attraction to
be nurtured in your relationship, your relationship in itself becomes
attractive to both you and your partner.
Security
To ensure your relationships survives and thrives there needs to be
security. Security requires trust and attraction which is why this is
the third step. Where there is trust, the foundation for security is
formed and it is strengthened by attraction. This is because attraction
allows for confidence to be instilled in the relationship. Confidence is
rooted in trust; it forms the perfect combination for security to be
formed.
Security is the reason Taye does not feel the need to
browse through her man’s phone when he leaves it unattended. Security is
the reason Ayo does not feel the need to monitor Fola’s steps whenever
she tells him she is spending the weekend celebrating with her friends.
Security is the reason Bola does not share her relationship’s secrets
with all her friends even while they are spilling the beans freely,
because she understands to protect her relationship she needs to keep
her lips sealed. And that is exactly what security does. It is to keep
possession of an important asset, to keep it safe.
Hence when your
man/woman shares their problems with you, don’t go running your mouth
all over town to your friends, sisters and their cousins. You discuss it
between yourselves; that is the essence of security.
This is why
the more vulnerable your partner is with you, the more secure your
relationship is. A lot of relationships have been buried because of lack
of vulnerability which is usually due to lack of trust/attraction. So
imagine vulnerability as the object, security as the safe and trust and
attraction as the combination. You don’t share your combination with
just anyone because your partner would feel exposed meaning they would
feel betrayed-betrayal ruins relationships.
Sanctuary
Where there is security, there is a sanctuary. Going on from the
analogy above, security is the safe, and the sanctuary is the room. A
sanctuary is defined as a place of refuge or safety. You have to become
your partner’s safe space. Do you play that role in one another’s lives?
The
reason this question is so important is because relationships rot from
the root. And this process begins when your partner no longer sees you
as their sanctuary but begins to view you as their prison. So are you
your partner’s sanctuary or prison? To answer this question pay
attention to how your partner acts around you-are they more withdrawn?
Do they speak more freely? Are they eager to be in your presence or do
they make excuses?
Where your partner no longer views you as a
sanctuary you would notice it in the language of familiarity surrounding
the relationship’s physicality. In other words, the structure of your
relationship begins to shift. Where there was once communication, there
is now silence. Where there was once attraction, there is reticence.
This
is because you have become a prison and no longer a sanctuary. To
return to the realm of refuge, there needs to be peace. A sanctuary is
synonymous with peace. You have to learn to forgive and let go of where
you have been hurt, what they have done that has caused you to withdraw
and where you have felt pain.
The reason for these steps is so
many burdens become tattooed in our expressions. Where there is a lack
of peace, it affects how we communicate with one another. It even
filters into how we relate, and this changes the environment of the
relationship from a sanctuary to a prison.
Think about it like
this: you don’t have the same tools you find in a sanctuary, in a
prison. If you are working with the tools in a prison – i.e routine and
regimental communication, lack of expression, lack of colour instead of
the elements found in a sanctuary, which include serenity, comfort and
room for expression and disclosure, don’t be surprised if your
relationship has stalled in its tracks.
It is important your partner sees you as a sanctuary so they can finally reach the point of viewing you as their peace.
Sacrifice
A lot of relationships suffer because where there should be sacrifice
there is selfishness. Sacrifice means selflessness. This means that if
you, Tope, decide you want to attend your friend’s party, on the same
day and time Tade has made clear over and over again that he would like
to go and see his favourite football team play, you go and watch the
game. Not only because he wants to watch it, but more importantly
because he wants to watch it with you. The same thing applies to the
men. If you know your woman has put aside time to spend with you, she
has decided to forfeit going out with friends, hanging out with her
family or whatever else, just to be with you, and you decide that is the
date and time you and your friends must tear up the whole town. Choose
your woman before you lose her as a result.
I want you to come to
the place of understanding relationships have nothing to do with your
wants but everything to do with what you both need-to reach the point of
satisfying your needs equally you have to pass the place of
concentrating on your individual desires.
This means the more you
satisfy your partner’s needs through sacrificing your wants, the more
your relationship will reflect your desires. When both parties put each
other ahead of the other, there is stability, there is unity, there is
trust. As a result, there is a thriving relationship.
What do you think are other essential elements of a thriving relationship?
Bella
The Proposal
ht me soaking up some morning baby love."—Katherine Heigl, Feb. 3, 2017
Taylor Schilling
Marc Jacobs has found his newest muse.